happy birthday

It has been a long overdue
this letter was something i had kept hidden in my work folders
but for some reason i have decided to publish it

4 months earlier ....

I don’t even know why I am doing this … So far I did an amazing job letting everyone know I was OK . Almost convinced myself the same .. But here I am siting in front of the bright white computer screen my keyboard begging to be worked with .. I don’t know why I chose this day though ! Why on your birthday ? While I know you’ll be busy today with your friends smoking away  .. Or probably hanging out with her kissing her lips, your hand roaming her body like it did on mine not a long while ago .

Well let me not think about that . Cause I know you do not care about me existing at all now ,do you ? Truth be told I can’t stop feeling what I do . I know I shouldn’t but I do . I don’t know if you’ll ever find out about this but it’s fine . Let me write it anyways .

Ever since we .. let’s say break up .. cause I honestly don’t know what happened between us ..  I shouldn’t be this upset huh .. I wasn’t wronged , I didn’t get cheated on .. I got the better end of the deal as compared to her … But who am I kidding ? it’s just as worse …

Last night at the stroke of the midnight I woke up with an excruciating pain in my chest . Something shadowy with long talons for fingers dug it’s way out of my chest . I felt my flesh tearing apart . My bones breaking into pieces . I couldn’t breath . But the pain continued . I watched in horror as that creature dug it’s way out of my chest. But what amazed me was how clean it’s job was ! not a single drop of blood spilled on the bed sheet  . And when I could finally breath , I looked it straight in it’s eyes and it laughed – a shadowy dark figure with no face laughed at my face . It pinned me down on my bed . And made me relieve each and every moment I spent with you . Good and the horrible ones . Like a Dementor it sucked my soul out surrounded me with just one last text of yours “We should stop cause I love her” . And like a curse it echoed in my ears …. I love her I love her I love her I love her I LOVE HER .  Three words and it broke me into a billion little pieces my self esteem like shards of a broken glass that could never be gathered by bare hands …

It showed me the real reason why I acted the way I did . I was afraid . I was afraid that someday this painted mask of happiness will melt off and everyone will see the run down mascara and tear stained face that hides behind .

I am afraid that I will once again wake up in the middle of the night screaming . Afraid that if I stop feeling this I might not feeling anything at all . And most of all I am afraid that if once again our paths cross I won’t be able to turn around and walk away . I might walk back right into your arms . I will fall in love with you again but you will never .

And today I stood beneath your apartment and I wondered if you would see me today will you really see the ugly scars you left on my face  that I hide with make up everyday ?  would you notice that my eyes are puffy and swollen cause I haven’t slept a wink last night but have hidden them behind a pair of a  branded glares ? Would you even look at me ? Would you notice how it takes every fiber in my body to not breakdown and not cry ? Would you notice me at all ?

I don’t know if you’ll ever know what I feel ! I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other ! I don’t know what our destiny holds ! I don’t know how I am supposed to live ! What I know is that even if you don’t care I wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

6/12/15

An incomplete Ending !

                 A Young TV soap opera actress commits suicide . A beautiful , Ambitious , Hardworking and lovable woman chooses to End her life . Ending all of her dreams, happiness and most of all her own story . A story that now lays as a crumpled pile and torn out pages; Complied in one single suicide note . A TV soap actress who lived on this earth as long as I did. Who saw the same Dreams as I did - To make something worthwhile out of her life, to make her parents proud , find someone who would love her, She probably wanted to be a mother , grow old with a person she really loved , she was probably trying to find the purpose of her existence . But somehow her own life had become too much for her . Her dreams , Ambitions , Love none of it mattered because every morning that she woke up to now was a curse for her . Every breath was suffocating her . She was probably tired , and decided that it was time to sleep . Was she a coward ? You would say yes . For we do not side with people who run away , We pray for the glory of those who stay back in the battle field fighting like Abhimanyu till the last breath even though we don't choose it  . We call them Heroes, the survivors, fighters all of these adjectives that praise the heroism of this battle we call life . But we spit at the ones who turn around before the battle begins .
                    What we forget here is that life is not a battle field, it was never supposed to be one . It is supposed to be that one friend that doesn't leave your side till your very last breath. A friend who stood by you when you failed that math test and were afraid to tell your parents , It was the friend that was with you when you sent that "risky text" to your crush , It was the friend who would be with you in thick and thin but what happens when this very friend conspires against you . Makes you feel like a nobody, slowly feeding you with doubts and fears who chomp up your confidence like maggots . What do you do when you are just not permitted to forgive yourself ? What do you do when your one mistake outweighs every success you become a part of ? What do you do when you feel betrayed ?
                          Yes suicide wasn't a solution - She should have spoken to someone , taken professional help . It wasn't that she didn't . You don't have that huge turn out at your funeral if you don't make friends . And these "Friends" don't just pretend to know you . However these were the ones who told her to Move on . The ones who told her that they were too busy to talk to her . Or the ones who told her that her "problems" weren't serious enough ;She was overwhelmed,over-reacting that she just needed a drink or a smoke,just one drag and it will be Ok . Everyone goes through this -they have said-it's not that big a deal .
                              So she drank and smoked, Danced for as long as she wanted . drank so she couldn't think of the times she let herself down and let others down . Spent hours dancing in a discotheques so as to not spend them crying ; Cheered when Virat Koli hit a six when all she wanted to do was scream till her throat was parched and her tears were dry . Pretended that everything was just fine when in reality she was exhausted fighting the battle she never wanted to be a part of .
                       She was tired,exhausted,she just wanted a way out . If only someone had told her that there really was a solution and easy one at that giving yourself another chance, forgiving yourself . That it was ok to fail once or twice . that things fall into place .
                            There are many Pratyushas , Divyas and Jias walking among us fighting with their demons everyday of their lives . These are the stories that deserve to be told , that should have had another chapter but were ripped of way too soon . The world is deprived of many such wonderful stories , because we refused to listen to them when they were been spoken. So my friends listen up , listen to these stories as they are written so you can change them . Let there be no blank pages for our authors didn't get out of the bed . No loosely strung episodes for they were too drunk to write . And most importantly no incomplete endings ............

Will you call me ?

                  I remember that day . I was at Starbucks with Ally ;It was one of those rare lucky Saturday evenings when we found an empty spot . Ally had gone to collect our orders of caramel macchiatos while I was sitting on the couch just rummaging through my phone , suddenly coming across your name on my contact list . It has been a month by then , One month of me pretending to be alright , pretending that I had moved on , that not messaging you every night wasn't taking a toll on me , I knew that while I was spending my nights twisting and turning on my bed cursing the insomnia that was winning that battle , you were talking to her probably the same things we once spoke about , the same promises that we made that you are now making with her . I was marveled at what a wonderful actress I was cause I could wake up in the morning and pretend it was all ok . 

               And before that mask could have fallen down before Ally could see what bothered me I confessed "Could you delete his number Ally ? I am afraid I might call him if it stays there ." and without another word she obediently followed my command .  With your number gone, I waited to see how I could feel now. I wanted to feel quite and peace or anger or regret or anything ; but I was blank  Instead I wondered what if you call me now ? Only to  realize it has been a month . That I was probably long gone from your contact list and from your memories .I couldn't put a name to what I felt . I don't think there even is a name for that feeling . All I knew was this is not what I should have felt .

                      But I couldn't shake off the thought "what if you call?" maybe months from now or years later . When the screen on my cell phone will flash your number without a name something I should have long forgotten but have instead memorized . I'll pick up the phone hear you say "it's me" your deep throaty voice that once set my heart aflutter ,will now severe it from all it's arteries and drop it in the pit of my stomach,killing all the butterflies at once  . Probably I would be a better actress by then enough to pretend not recognize you or your voice. But I'll do I'll really do ,your voice speaks to me every now and then . Telling me about how you really liked that red dress I wore , the one that now hangs in my closet untouched wondering if she had one too;if you loved her in a red dress too .

                           I stay up wondering if you kiss her like you kiss me your head tilting towards right, your tongue dueling for control , your hand slowly making it's way up ; How you were an animal as a lover and yet gentle enough to never hurt me ; How you would lie upon me your forehead resting on my shoulder spent and content ; Your lips curling up in a smile as you kissed me again . Call me so I can ask you if you do the same with her . Call me so I can once again hear the same voice that I was nothing but a mistake , a voice that said that every moment we spent together was meaningless, A voice that said it loved another women while those lips kissed me . Call me so I can know if you though of her when you kissed me .The voice that told me that no matter how many times I forgive you, I sacrifice for you or love you I'd never be good enough .
                                When you'd call I might pretend to be busy , to slam the phone cause I need to repair the damage you'd do with your single hello . The truth is no matter how many times I play it over and over in my head . I have ruled out every possible scenario when I'll receive your call I have practiced how I would react . But truth be told I don't know how it'll be , How I would take it ? How many times will you successfully fool me and how many times I'd be happily fooled by you ? What I do know is No matter how I react How angry I will be , If I pretend to not care , Not be bothered by your phone call, At this End of the line I am trying not to break down , To stick to the script not to improvise be the good actress.
                              Cause at the End of the day you still live five miles away from me , one of these days our paths are bound to cross . I don't know where I'll be then, I don't know where you'll be then,All I know is this isn't the place to be , Still wondering what I will do if you ever decide to call me .... 

                           

Oh my princess !

                  You are a magnificent,beautiful Princess writing your own fairy tale . You are a warrior,an artist,a baker,an explorer and a writer. In your fairy tale you are dancing to the music creating magic with your every spin . You deserve a romance written by the stars themselves . You deserve to be kissed passionately in the rains and to be a muse of poems and charcoal sketches cause you are a princess . And like every perfect fairy tale,yours too deserve a prince. A prince who cherishes you who; loves you like there is no tomorrow . A prince who kisses you to taste every broken verse that escaped from your lips  .

                        But beware my dear for the kingdom is littered with evil sorcerers who dress up as your prince ; A sorcerer who disguises himself to look just like your prince . The evil sorcerer lurking in the shadows of your castle . A sorcerer who lures you with his intoxicating eyes , his melodious voice  and his magic . But beware my princess for the sorcerer is an illusion . He pockets a poisoned apple, a prickly needle and a sleep potion . Do not mistake him for the one my princess , do not be trapped by this mirage . Don't be tempted by this sorcerer my princess for his kisses will not set out a million fireworks in your heart.The way he'll touch you would never send  electric currents down your body . Nor will he ever look at you like you are the most amazing thing that existed on this planet .
                              The sorcerer will kiss you though for he knows you have never been kissed before. He will touch you like nobody has touched before. He will weave a thousand lies and make you believe that this is all true .  Turn around , walk away my princess for the sorcerer's love is just skin deep .  My dear princess recognize the touch, the kiss,and you'll know no matter how skilled the sorcerer is at making love, he will never love you . And if you make the mistake of loving the sorcerer you will be left alone , He will  walk away my princess.
                             So wait my princess wait for the prince who will help you write your fairy tale . One who loves you for your heart . your soul and not just your skin . Leave your glass slippers at the doorstep of someone who would walk a thousand miles to find you . If you're to tame a Beast let him be the one who is capable of love . Let him fight the witches, the evil forest creature to break the curse that lays on you.  Doesn't matter if he be a pauper my princess for he will still cherish the magic you hold , He will illuminate his hut with a billion stars with it as he will watch you lie down next to him . And he will make you grateful for everyday that you spend with him ;For every bread you break with him, for every broth you share with him . He my princess will love you till he cures the damage done by the sorcerer .
                               Believe my princess, Make a wish on the shooting star, take a walk out of the castle if the shadows of the sorcerer still haunt you , Turn the page my princess, start a new chapter , but don't shy away from what happened "once upon a time" cause your prince will be here to finish it with an "happily ever after"...

I cannot sleep

I cannot sleep .... 

                I fall into a pill induced coma that tires me out. I stare point blank at the fake radium painted stars on my ceiling overtaken by insomnia and wonder why . My subconscious  Free falling into a dreamless state of blankness cold , numb not a thought that dares pass through. 

I cannot sleep .... 

                  Cause I hear the storm brewing outside my window similar to the one tearing my rib cage apart. A tempest that spins within me ,around me . With the debris of your memories scratching  my insides.I am the eye of that very storm . 

I cannot sleep ... 

            As I breath in your fragrance that is still entrapped here . Our bed sheet laced with your musk, my only companion on insomniac nights .your perfume lingers like a ghostly shadow embracing me in winters .

I cannot sleep ...

             Your memories as intoxicating as the liquor bottles I drown into ; Slowly spiraling into cigarette smokes drifting away from me , Your memories like stars in a moonless night countless; diverse spread across the massive universe directionless and still aligned .  

I cannot sleep 

                 Cause tears well up in this kohl lined eyes when My lips crave your kisses ; Desperately trying to remember how it felt like to be in your arms ; Fighting for I refused to believe we were just an illusion. Cause I cannot let go of you . 

I cannot sleep 

On the bed where we made love where you would now never return . When the haunting spirits of unwritten stories choke me . Poems of an undisclosed desires and incomplete romance bleed through the fabric of my skin ... 

So I live through the tiresome nightmares of reality , lie down under the canopy of fictions letting my demons take over in the crazy hope maybe tonight i would finally fall asleep                

Meera...

Her long black hair drops on her bare back, and I was envious of every strand that kissed her. Her kohl lined eyes would light up as if the entire universe dissolved in them. Her laughter like the string of an Iktara echoed in the far away mountains.  And when she walked, her feet like a playful mridanga coupled with her anklet created music of her own. She was my muse, my music, the reason I wrote poetry Her hair curly as the cursive font of my writing, her skin as dark as the ink I spilled. And with the rise of the sun every day, her voice bought life to the sleepy existence of ours.

 Her flute like a ghostly cackle tore through the eerie silence I always feared.

She was a majestic celestial being, as powerful as the ocean and yet as pure as the first monsoon. And I was just an insignificant admirer of hers. Unworthy of her love I was just a devotee. And I was caught between the loud chaos of morality and world and its rules that shackled my feet because I dared dance on for her but I didn’t care. Because her arms were the place I belonged, her smile the reason my heart would beat. I didn’t know if this was supposed to be this way all I knew was that it was a kiss from her lips that could convert the poison running in my veins into nectar.

Our love was a romance that begun centuries ago. Reincarnated with different faces and bodies and stories, but in every version of fiction and reality we were together. A jogan then - a passionate lover now, in the ignited fire of our romance this Meera burns all alone. My lord, your flute then set my heart flutter, and now in the form of this dark maiden you still play your naughty game. You still torture me with your playful smile. But tell me lord when will my penance end? When shall I become a part of you again? How long should I burn in this fire to taste your love on my lips? Lord why does my love for you that became a synonym for devotion and imprinted us in the history forever makes me a criminal today?

Love like a million fireflies guided us home in the darkness of the night. But my lord today this love is shackled in the barriers of rituals and morality and falsehoods of this world. Let us free it my lord, let it fly. And In this barren land of hatred and fear let us create a garden of our new romance.